Thursday, November 24, 2011

How Not to Cook a Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner

How Not to Cook a Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner
The "chef" at Thanksgiving. See how easy?
Here are some easy steps to follow to guarantee your Thanksgiving dinner will raise your blood pressure and lower everyone else's expectations for next year:

1) Don’t make sure the turkey has defrosted the day before Thanksgiving (today!!). This will ensure that cool, refreshing iced-turkey taste your family will grow to love.

2) Leave the giblets, kidneys and heart and all that other gross nasty stuff inside the turkey when you put it in the oven. This is a nice touch when your judgmental mother-in-law is in the room distracting you with her judgmentalness while you’re so kindly trying to feed her hypocritical ass. Ask husband to distract said mother-in-law, diverting her attention to the bonfire he started down the street on the corner, so you can remove giblets, kidneys, heart and all that other gross nasty stuff before the plastic bag they’re in starts to melt, setting off smoke detectors.

3) Make giblet gravy with actual giblets.

4) When you remove canned cranberries from the can, slide it out onto a plate so it retains its perfect canned shape. This takes patience and years of practice (Secret Hint: puncturing the bottom of the can will help eliminate the vacuum allowing cranberries to slide out easily!) Whatever you do, don’t get a can of whole cranberries and stir them up and put them in a fancy bowl so people think you flew to a Massachusetts bog to hand pick them, then spent days simmering them over low heat using grandma’s secret cranberry sauce recipe, or anything like that. (Secret Hint: Ocean Spray!)

5) Every year, for fourteen years, panic when the turkey is taking too long to cook and you think you won’t be eating dinner until midnight.

6) Every year, for fourteen years, panic when the turkey’s temperature rapidly starts to rise in the last half-hour of cooking and your mashed potatoes are still raw, rock solid lumps.

7) Don’t let the turkey “rest” before carving. You’re tired, you’re hungry, you’ve been working all day and it’s the turkey that needs a rest? Forgetaboutit. Cut it up right away. This will guarantee nice, dry and possibly mealy-tasting breast meat.

8) When you finally sit down and start eating, just dig in. Don’t go around the table and make everybody say one thing (or more!) that they’re thankful for. This will make absolutely sure that the true meaning of Thanksgiving—Food, Football—is not lost on anyone!

A City Mom would like to wish everyone an absolutely wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving! And one thing you can be thankful for this year? You’re not eating at my house.

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