Sunday, September 18, 2011

How to Become Fabulously Successful and Lose Ten Pounds in Only Nine Days

Has anybody heard of a book or program like this? Because I need one. Stat. My (gulp) thirty-year high school reunion is coming up. I know it shouldn't be about impressing other people; it should be about getting back in touch with old friends, finding out what they're up to and reliving fond memories. I know! And doesn't that explain why everyone pulls up in a rented Mercedes Benz?

It’s true I shouldn't compete and overall, I do feel like I've been mostly successful. But it's during occasions like these I find myself getting defensive, realizing that even though I'm half-way through my life, by my own definition, I'm not where I'd wanted to be.

Inevitably I'll have to explain to someone why I'm still a co-pilot and that yes, I do land the plane and no they can't just land themselves. I'll have to explain why my second novel hasn't been published yet and accept the condolences that my first one wasn't on the New York Times bestseller list. And I will listen patiently while someone tells me how my airline lost their luggage back in 1989.

And while I can brag about my successful 22-year marriage and my three beautiful children and my nice house in the city, in my mind it would feel oh so much better if I could say I'm a wide-body captain (and not a wide-bodied captain) with several best-selling novels under her belt, a belt that's wrapped around a waist that's ten-pounds thinner.

At the ten-year reunion, no one had changed much. The assholes were still assholes and the cool crowd was still too cool to talk to me. By the 20-year, everyone had seemed to get-over themselves and it was really fun. I'm hoping this go round, everyone will be even more over themselves and like me, will just want to reconnect with old friends, find out what they're up to and relive old times. Because I'm not going to rent a Mercedes Benz and I'm not going to be able to lost ten-pounds by next Saturday. But I may just elect to suck my stomach in, and not exhale for three- hours.


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